Growing Journey III

Through my involvement in these two groups of women (see previous posts), a revelation began - that being different, even in our theology, our understanding of God and our interpretation of scripture, even when the differences seem in direct competition . . . does not have to separate us from being in community and may actually facilitate our growing in maturity and in relationship with God and each other.

However, when folks believe differently, particularly around issues that are so ingrained in our identity as our understanding of God, it often causes tension in the community . . . conflict or avoidance. It can be difficult to shake the notion that a disagreement in core belief is the same as a personal attack.

I've since done a lot of research and study about conflict and our interactions with one another when we feel threatened. Here are a few learnings that I believe help us to to move from defensiveness to hospitality and remain genuine:

1. Recognize where we're coming from and be willing to look critically at our self and our own beliefs.
   My preceptor in Old Testament at Duke used to say - "when there is a piece of scripture that you are uncomfortable with, don't ignore it - sit with it!" By this she meant we should take as long as it takes to struggle with the scriptures that don't fit or seem to contradict our view of God (I think as long as it takes means forever!). If I truly struggle with the scriptures, I must listen to it's history and context as well as my own (What history to I bring to what I've always thought around this particular text? Why do I think this way? What do others think and why?) *This doesn't only apply to beliefs about scripture, it can be anything!


2. Recognize where the other person is coming from - this takes a lot of asking questions and listening. Roberta Gilbert in Extraordinary Leadership says we should talk only 50% of the time and listen the other 50%. A good rule of thumb!


3. Be intentional, not reactive


4. Speak with our own voice and use "I statements". For example, "I think ___ or I believe ____" rather than "You should ____." Sometimes I have to be careful not to start with "I" and end with "You" ("I think you should ____.") Speaking for yourself rather than telling others about themselves takes the judgement out of our opinions and beliefs so that others are less defensive. Most people tend to talk in "you" statements even when trying to express a personal belief.


5. Be prepared to be influenced. And, rest assured, you will also be influencing others. That's what growing together is all about.