Reconciliation

The work of reconciliation is hard and can not be rushed. In the midst, you don't know if you will be able to rebuild relationships or if the hard work just adds to the empty heartache without a happy ending. It is ambiguous work. It is risky work. It is painful work. It also has the potential to be the most spiritually, emotionally and relationally rewarding work of our lives.

There was a bit of a riff in my family after the nodal event of my grandfather's death. Brothers distanced themselves and ritualistic gatherings became sided. Late night conversations turned to frustration, anger, regret, sadness. Years went by. Then conversations reemerged, sometimes between cousins, sometimes reaching carefully, painfully, between brothers. I don't know the details and I'm not great with dates but somewhere around 10 years after my grandfather's death, we all gathered at one uncle's house by invitation. He insisted on hosting a party - swimming pool, games, drinks, amazing food. We came. The next year, we responded again to the invitation. I believe it has been six years or more since that first invitation and we gather each year on Labor Day weekend. The reward of reconciliation is incredible!

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann describe 5 modes for handling conflict:

• Competing - taking quick action, making unpopular decisions, standing up for vital issues, protecting yourself (skills: arguing, using rank or position, asserting, standing your ground)
• Collaborating - Integrating solutions, learning, merging perspectives, gaining commitment, improving relationships (skills: ability to listen, understand and empathize nonthreatening confrontation, input analysis, identifying underlying concerns)
• Compromising - Resolving issues of moderate importance, reaching solutions with equal power and strong commitment, creating temporary solutions, dealing with time constraints (skills: negotiating, finding a "middle ground", making concessions, assessing value)
• Avoiding - leaving unimportant issues alone, reducing tensions, buying time, knowing your limitations, allowing others ownership, recognizing issues as symptoms (skills: withdrawing, sidestepping, sense of timing, ability to leave things unresolved)
• Accommodating - showing reasonableness, developing performance, creating goodwill, keeping "peace", maintaining perspective (skills: forgoing your desires, selflessness, obedience, ability to yield)

There are positives and negatives to all of these modes. We all have responses that are most comfortable for us, so we tend to gravitate in that direction. In the crisis of conflict each mode has the potential to help us manage or to escalate the situation. Therefore, the ability to use all 5 modes intentionally is helpful. The same goes for reconciliation.

True reconciliation is a rebuilding of the broken relationship. Resolution evolves over time and it takes skills in all these areas. Sometimes you need to avoid some of the toughest stuff while tension settles or while making progress through collaboration on less anxious issues. Reaching out with an invitation is an effort in accommodating. While receiving the invitation and attending the party might be a compromise. Competing skills help to get the issues out in the open and keep deep hurts from festering away unspoken.

This past Labor Day weekend I noticed a few things about my family that I believe have led to true reconciliation, an ongoing process:

• Gathering no matter what - there was a time when gatherings were incomplete, missing parts and reminded us of our pain . . . but we gathered still. And later, we gathered as a whole.
• Making the commitment - making it a priority - these brothers loved each other deeper than their hurt. They made it a priority in their lives to reconcile. Even during the years of distance, they were working within themselves to come back together.
• Listening - this is key to rebuilding! For the past few years we play a game at the end of the night to help us get to know each other better. Those who listen, tend to do well in this game!
• Healing from the inside out - forgiveness is what heals the inside. Conversations and compromises can heal the outside but without forgiveness, the inside festers and reconciliation is not real.

Blessed be those who struggle to rebuild!