Waiting for the Bus: A Framing Opportunity

Each morning as my 4th grade daughter gets her bags packed and her shoes on and her hair fixed just right, she always asks me, "Will you wait for the bus with me today?" Some days, I admit, I am already busy at the computer and don't want to be interrupted to stand outside waiting for the bus. Other days, I listen to her call, stop whatever I'm doing, and walk with her across the street - often with my hair still uncombed, barefoot and carrying my first cup of coffee. The neighbors just laugh at me. Some days I'll ask, "Can we just wait here on the front porch, I'm a mess and I don't feel like walking down the street to meet all the other bus stop moms." She doesn't mind. So we sit on the front steps of our house listening for the rumble of the bus so that she can run to the corner when we hear it coming.

My favorite time of the day is early in the morning, before the kids are awake. The hardest time of the day for me is when my morning solitude is broken! Now that the kids are older, I can usually savor my time for a while after they are up, shouting time reminders from my chair and suggestions for where books, hair clips and breakfast can be found. But when I'm asked to wait for the bus, that is a physical interruption . . . I must close the door on my time and refocus on her needs.

I realize the way I respond to this question could impact her whole day. It is a framing opportunity - an opportunity to set the emotional and mental stage for her day. As we walk to the corner, I remind her of an accomplishment from the day before. I bring up topics that she enjoys and that build her up. My goal is to help her begin the day feeling good about herself and emotionally secure.

What are the framing opportunities in your work or church environments - opportunities to set the stage for a meeting, a project or some one's day? Is it hard to put aside your time and refocus on someone else's needs or the needs of a whole group? What are the results when you do?

Appreciative Accountability

The word accountability conjures up ideas of judgment, elevated authority looking down at us, black robes and gavels . . . And where there is judgment, there must have been a crime. So, just hearing the word accountability makes us defensive. We assume we are being investigated. We have to track and report all our numbers and measurements to prove our case of innocence.

In some settings, accountability is more accepted, though it still raises defenses a bit. In manufacturing, for example, accountability for product quality and sales impact profit margins. Therefore, it is expected by production workers and rarely overlooked by managers. However, when you talk about accountability among human service groups, it is a different story. And, boy, try mentioning it when talking with a church board or ministry team; the bristles really perk up!

Historically, human service funding has not tied directly to evaluation measures, but this is changing. Government dollars are stretched. Foundations, United Way's, and even individual givers are eager to see the results of their gifts. In response, organizations that feed the hungry, house the homeless, care for the elderly and young children are required more and more to count numbers and show outcomes. Executive directors and local government managers are developing program evaluations and quality improvements. Six Sigma and other quality terms heard in manufacturing for years, are beginning to show up in non-profit circles. Still, tracking and analyzing data can be foreign, frustrating, and even offensive to those who have dedicated their life's work to helping people.

When services are grounded in passion for the well being of others, whether human service oriented or ministry, it feels devaluing to reduce the results to measurable counts or statistical formulas!

Let me offer an alternative view of accountability. Rather than drudging through data to prove our innocence from misuse of funds, let's consider accountability from an appreciative perspective.

There are two ways to change behavior - by reward or by punishment. When using a reward system, people receive praise and acknowledgement. The results include feelings of accomplishment and success, feeling good, higher self esteem, and increasing confidence. Punishment creates the opposite response: fear, anxiety, negative feelings about self, lower confidence, and lower self esteem.

So, if we turned accountability into appreciation, what would that look like? Reports would be used for recognizing and publicly praising accomplishments; watching for and publicizing successes; calling attention to individuals, programs or ministries that make a difference. Data tracking becomes a way to feel good about your work, your ministry, yourself . . . You can watch the scale tip . . . Show others what works well . . . Document the evidence so new ideas or strategies that work well can be repeated and more lives can be changed! Appreciative accountability assumes program strength rather than program deficit.

It is not easy to be appreciative in a world that assumes the darker side but it is well worth the effort. Be intentional. Take another look at accountability, a healing look, a healthy look. It is a new tool, a new resource that can and will make a difference for the future!

Greet one another - Romans 16:1-16

Take a quick read of Romans 16:1-16.

What does it mean to greet someone in the name of the Lord?

. . . So that you may welcome her in the Lord as is fitting for the saints, and help her in whatever she may require from you . . .

Can you imagine being introduced this way?

"Hey, I want you to meet my friend, Phoebe. She is a servant of the church. Please welcome her in the way Jesus welcomed, in a way that is special and generous, forgiving and patient, hopeful and loving. Please greet her with all the attention you would offer a famous saint, like Mother Teresa, or a dear beloved friend. Give her all that she needs and provide for her every thing she wishes from you."

Paul goes on to list many others, asking, greet these as well. He seems to have gotten carried away . . . "Oh, and I want you to greet this person too, and this one because he has done wonderful things in the name of the Lord, and she has worked so hard, and he is one of our family, and she . . . please greet them all! They are amazing wonderful people!" Can't you just hear his excitement as he recites the names of those he wants to acknowledge. His excitement is contagious, as is his appreciation.

How special those named must feel! It is so important to recognize how valuable people are in our lives and to acknowledge them among others -our co-workers, staff members, children, spouses and neighbors. Let us find ways to praise their hard work and to tell others how significant they are to us.

Today's challenge . . . to greet those we meet as the Lord would greet - offering help in whatever others require of us (including those who work along side us each day and those who come to us as strangers).

Challenge # 2 . . . find a way to appreciate those around us, bring attention to that appreciation, and with an excitement that is contagious, encourage others to offer a hospitality worthy of the saints.

Growing Journey III

Through my involvement in these two groups of women (see previous posts), a revelation began - that being different, even in our theology, our understanding of God and our interpretation of scripture, even when the differences seem in direct competition . . . does not have to separate us from being in community and may actually facilitate our growing in maturity and in relationship with God and each other.

However, when folks believe differently, particularly around issues that are so ingrained in our identity as our understanding of God, it often causes tension in the community . . . conflict or avoidance. It can be difficult to shake the notion that a disagreement in core belief is the same as a personal attack.

I've since done a lot of research and study about conflict and our interactions with one another when we feel threatened. Here are a few learnings that I believe help us to to move from defensiveness to hospitality and remain genuine:

1. Recognize where we're coming from and be willing to look critically at our self and our own beliefs.
   My preceptor in Old Testament at Duke used to say - "when there is a piece of scripture that you are uncomfortable with, don't ignore it - sit with it!" By this she meant we should take as long as it takes to struggle with the scriptures that don't fit or seem to contradict our view of God (I think as long as it takes means forever!). If I truly struggle with the scriptures, I must listen to it's history and context as well as my own (What history to I bring to what I've always thought around this particular text? Why do I think this way? What do others think and why?) *This doesn't only apply to beliefs about scripture, it can be anything!


2. Recognize where the other person is coming from - this takes a lot of asking questions and listening. Roberta Gilbert in Extraordinary Leadership says we should talk only 50% of the time and listen the other 50%. A good rule of thumb!


3. Be intentional, not reactive


4. Speak with our own voice and use "I statements". For example, "I think ___ or I believe ____" rather than "You should ____." Sometimes I have to be careful not to start with "I" and end with "You" ("I think you should ____.") Speaking for yourself rather than telling others about themselves takes the judgement out of our opinions and beliefs so that others are less defensive. Most people tend to talk in "you" statements even when trying to express a personal belief.


5. Be prepared to be influenced. And, rest assured, you will also be influencing others. That's what growing together is all about.

Growing Journey II

We all have a desire for inclusion, to be accepted, to belong, be appreciated, liked, and understood. This need is tied to our self esteem and it varies among people and situations. In those times when we feel the most confident and secure, we may require less outward signs of inclusion. When we are vulnerable and insecure, we protect ourselves or search out signs of approval.

Ambiguity creates insecurity for me. I am more confident within structure, when there are guidelines to follow, a plan for action or tradition to uphold. I also feel vulnerable when acting from an emotional rather than logical stance. And guess what? Matters of spirituality are loaded emotional issues that make people feel vulnerable and insecure. I am no exception. So, being a part of a small group that is serious about exploring issues of faith is somewhat risky business.

It felt risky in the beginning, to participate in these two groups - the Friday prayer group and the Education for Ministry Group (EFM). They were each so different - one was very informal, no agenda, no leader, no rules, "let by the Spirit", filled with conversation and prayer, scripture reading and sharing bits and pieces of journal writings. The other group had trained leaders, followed a curriculum, included a time keeper, structured discussions and activities. They were different in other ways as well - one more conservative, the other more liberal; one more charismatic, the other intellectual. Though radically different, they each created a safe place for me to seek God openly among others who were also seeking. There was a shared acceptance and vulnerability among us that encouraged stepping outside of the normal structures of Sunday worship and lectionary bible study.

I can identify a few things, looking back, that the prayer group and EFM had in common, allowing me to grow in the community of each group, feeling just enough safety from rejection or injury to keep me coming back.
Genuineness
Compassion
Respect
Confidentiality
Trust
Commitment

I'm reminded of a term being used a lot in the Episcopal Church these days - Radical Hospitality. I was personally invited to be a part of each group. This goes a long way with the need to feel included and accepted. As I began to participate, the members were intentional about including me in past experiences of the groups. There was equal sharing and equal interests in one another. Though the intensity of both groups was a bit intimidating at first, it was clear that the members were being real, showing their real selves and allowing themselves to be known. And they cared to learn about my real self too. They shared compassion for one another and for their Christian faith. Each member expressed concern towards each of the others individually as well as expressing a nurture for the group as a whole.

I wrote in my journal one day, "How can I be so different from these women? How can we have such different views of God, and yet, I can see that they are so blessed? How can they all believe so differently and still be so clearly and purely seeking God?" I was beginning to tap into and break down my images of rightness and wrongness; blackness and whiteness. I was starting to see a broader spectrum. This crack in the wall led to a deeper understanding of acceptance.

We don't have to be in agreement to appreciate the broad spectrum of our different journeys, to experience and offer radical hospitality. If this statement is true, we also don't have to pretend or try so hard to protect our real selves. We can be genuine. And when being genuine means we are different, we can protect each other from rejection and injury through compassion, respect, trust and acknowledging that we are each seekers and we are each blessed.

A Growing Journey

Toward the end of the 1990's and early 2000's, I began a deepening journey in discernment. I had become involved in two, very different groups creating a powerful movement in my own spirit. Group one, was a theologically conservative prayer group that met on Friday mornings. A very charismatic, passionate and committed group of Christian women who devoted an enormous amount of their time to prayer, worship, bible study and works of service. We came together weekly for prayer, support and to share encouragements of God's words and works in our lives and in the lives of others. They were a group of risk takers, eager to pray for healing, initiate conversations and share Christ with others at every opportunity. We were together in prayer the morning of September 11, 2001 as we tearfully watched the burning twin towers on every TV channel.

The second group was also a group of women that met weekly, were deeply committed to study, worship and theological reflection. This second group was more structured than the first, they followed a curriculum from the Episcopal Seminary, Sewanee, called Education for Ministry. We met for 3 hours on Thursdays to review the weekly extensive readings in Old Testament, New Testament, Church History and ministry preparation. We also engaged daily life issues using a process of theological reflection that merged scripture, tradition and personal experience, using metaphors and other strategies to gain insight and sometimes revelation. Group two, generally speaking, held a more open view of scriptural interpretation, encouraging each other with creativity, prayer and the challenge to stretch beyond the face value of word and experience.

Over the next week or so I'll be writing about some of my learnings as I grew in faith and in community with these two very different groups of women and how this experience began to shape the calling I feel to ministry today - a calling to enhance healthy environments within congregations where differences and challenges become opportunities for powerful spiritual growth in personal faith and in community.

I hope you will join me.

Family Worship

How does your family worship together? My family never risked visiting an unfamiliar congregation when on vacation or otherwise out of town. But we rarely missed worship. We brought our Prayer Books, usually the 1928 Book of Common Prayer, and bibles along. We preset the time for worship and when the time arrived, the family would gather around the kitchen table, living room floor or onto our parent's bed. Someone looked up bible verses and someone determined the prayers, and sometimes we would begin with a song.

Mark and I have continued this tradition with our kids from time to time. As they've grown (Lane is 9 and Duncan, 14), family worship takes on a whole new dynamic. They make the decisions, they read the scriptures and they lead the service. They ask questions, wonder and explore the text. And together we grow.

What opportunities do you have to explore, in a new way, the worship that is familiar to you? What setting can you create that will allow yourself and others to look in a new way at the creeds, the prayers, the readings, the songs? I believe family worship offers us this opportunity because we are able to experience the scriptures and the liturgy through our children who are exploring it in a brand new way. As adults, sometimes it is hard to seek so purely when we've build so many walls of protection. At nine and fourteen, exploration is the norm. Worship becomes a block of clay that can be molded rather than an article to be viewed from a distance. When we can mold our worship, mold our prayers, our songs, select our readings, share leadership and responsiveness . . . When we create worship, it becomes a gift for God, like a messy finger painting of a preschooler. Here God, we made this for you!