Inter-generational Worship - Can we do it?

Let me tell you about this book I've been reading, The Church of All Ages: Generations Worshiping Together (Howard Vanderwell, editor, Alban Institute, 2008).

As Mark and I raise our children, Lane (10) and Duncan (14), we want them to be in worship with us. Now I have to admit, I've enjoyed opportunities to worship over the years without crying or pulling children and have often skipped the Great Easter Vigil because of the kids' bedtime. However, I have also been deeply transformed by my son's description of the Eucharist at age 2 - "you just put Jesus in your mouth and then he goes down inside you and fills you up." And, I continue to encounter God in conversations with my children after church when they apply the message of the sermon to what is happening in their lives or when my daughter dances to the praise music at the end of the service, or my son chooses to attend the solemn Ash Wednesday service of repentance. So, as a Congregational Consultant and as a Mom, I was impressed with this book and the authors' suggested possibilities for inter-generational worship.

"Inter-generational worship is worship in which people of every age are understood to be equally important."

When we think of diversity, the immediate association is typically related to race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, political views, religious views, or even economic class. Vanderwell et al talk about diversity of generations -bringing together the young child and the retired businessman, and all those in between, together in worship. Although many churches have turned to special services for children and special services for youth - even whole congregations that target young people with concert like music and coffee shops in the foyer while others stick firmly to tradition - although many churches have moved in this segregated direction, a great message is missed when we divide ourselves in this way. Young children need to see their parents worship. They need that example of Godly devotion. All of us need the fresh challenge of new ideas that erupt from teenagers and young adults. We also need the groundedness and wisdom that comes from a lifetime of struggle and praise. Worship, as spiritual formation, is richer when experienced together.

The Church of All Ages provides short stories of inter-generational worship that is formative and personal and powerful. Each chapter focuses on practical guidance for moving towards a more generationally diverse worship from The Power of Telling a Story to The Power of Preaching to All Ages and a step-by-step guide to Worship Planning in a Church of All Ages.

Here are a few excerpts that spoke to me:

• "There are a hundred ways to clean a kitchen, unless you are in your mother's kitchen." We each have generational defaults that tell us that a particular way of being, worshiping, relating to others, or volunteering is most appropriate. . . Their way [those of another generation] is not wrong, but their defaults are simply set differently from our own.


• Congregations too commonly mistake strategies for purpose and hold on to particular strategies as if the practice were itself holy rather than a way one might approach the Holy.


• "As I think about the concept of inter-generational worship, I am allured by the beauty of the concept. However, bringing the concept to reality will be hard work, requiring a lot of wisdom and patience. Otherwise, it could be just another divisive matter in the church." from a personal story by Jimmy Setiawan.


• According to the metaphor [you are the body of Christ, and individually members of it, 1 Cor. 12:27], every person is essential. When one person is absent, neglected, or marginalized, the body suffers, and worship ceases to be inclusive. Worship that pays attention to all ages aims to capture and implement the reality of this metaphor of the church as the Body of Christ.


• One of the beautiful things about stories is that the best ones function across generations. The event structure of a story, like falling dominoes, attracts and holds every one's attention, even young children's, while the values housed within a protagonist's conflicting motivations provide nuance and mystery for those most experienced in life.


• We have learned that it isn't really style that captures the minds and hearts of teens; it is passion.


• First, the service must focus on God - not on fun or form, not on excitement or excellence, not even on being edified by the service, but on giving praise and glory to the triune God.

Let's not underestimate the challenge here! Bringing diverse ideas and perceptions together is always a challenge. One might wish for a template, the perfect compromise or blend of contemporary and traditional music and liturgy that other churches could replicate. But that would be missing the point all together! Moving towards richer diversity among generations is a journey that begins with a safe space and respectful conversations and continues with small steps towards inclusion.

Nurturing our Seeds: Self Care

Barbara Brown Taylor in, Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith, said, "My quest to serve God in the church had exhausted my spiritual savings. My dedication to being good had cost me a fortune in being whole. My desire to do all things well had kept me from doing the one thing within my power to do, which was to discover what it meant to be fully human."

Have you ever found that your quest to serve God, your calling in ministry, exhausts your spiritual savings? Or that your job in human service work, caring for people in crisis or in chronic need is drawing down all your energy?

Another quote from the same text: "By my rules, caring for troubled people always took precedence over enjoying delightful people, and the line of troubled people never ended."

Those of us in helping professions, whether religious in nature or not, can surely relate to the never ending line! Caring for people in need seems a more noble effort than caring for our own spiritual, emotional, and physical health. In my experience, working with people in human service fields and in ministry, the passion for serving others can be so strong that we lose a bit of ourselves in the process. Losing our sense of self is one step towards a downward spiral that renders us unable to care for ourselves or for others. Burnout! And then the only solution is to quit - quit the ministry, quit our jobs, drop our volunteer leadership roles, just get away.

Here are some things I've heard from ministers, volunteers, social workers, and others . . . some of the reasons we don't take care of ourselves and how we may gradually lose ourselves in service of others:

• I feel guilty when I do something for myself, like I'm neglecting the needs of . . .
• I feel better about myself when I'm helping someone else
• Their needs are so great or there are so many who need me
• I don't know how to say no
• It makes me feel good to be needed
• It is a blessing to be able to serve
• When I'm tired, I think of all those who don't have as much as I do and it helps me keep going
• I've said I would help, I can't go back on my word or my commitment
• If I don't do it, who will? No one else is stepping up to take over

Have you said any of these? I sure have!

When Barbara Brown Taylor said, "to discover what it meant to be fully human." I think she was talking about that core part of herself - to discover her true self, her human self, her self that God created in God's image, the unique self that each of us holds, that is the seed and the beauty of creation. This discovery is the one thing that is within our power to do.

While we can be of great service to others, we can not cure or change another's world or another's heart. We can not offer salvation for another's spirit. We can not stop the endless line of people in need. We can not respond to every hunger and every thirst. But we have each been given a gift, a seed, a true self in the image of God, fully human and fully redeemed. Through the discovery of that seed and through its nurture and its growth, wholeness is a possibility, love is a possibility, healing is a possibility.

Self discovery - Self nurture - Self share

Find the seed! Don't wait another minute to begin your journey of self discovery (or to pick up where you left off). Ponder your values. What is most meaningful to you? Try to articulate the guiding principles behind the decisions you make. Try to articulate what you believe and why - not just what the Book of Common Prayer says we believe, what your political affiliation says the party stands for, or what your spouse, friends, parents, or co-workers proclaim. What do you believe at your core?

Nurture and care for the seed! Take time for yourself. Practice saying no to others for a short time each day and saying yes to something you really enjoy. Don't combine it with doing something for someone else. This is a time for nurture and rejuvenation, not multi-tasking and not zoning out (like watching TV just to forget the day) or busying yourself with something you want done but don't especially enjoy doing (that would be housework for me). You will find in this self-care a clear expression of your values and the seed will begin to grow. Make it a priority. Seeds need water to survive. They need nourishment to grow.

Share the fruit! When your spirit is healthy, there is more of you to go around. And when your seed has a strong trunk, it will keep you grounded in who you are; you will not lose yourself as easily when the storms of others wash over you. Your strength will be of good service and your passion will spread health and healing to others.

How are you doing in this journey of discovery and nurture? What have you done for yourself lately?

Reconciliation

The work of reconciliation is hard and can not be rushed. In the midst, you don't know if you will be able to rebuild relationships or if the hard work just adds to the empty heartache without a happy ending. It is ambiguous work. It is risky work. It is painful work. It also has the potential to be the most spiritually, emotionally and relationally rewarding work of our lives.

There was a bit of a riff in my family after the nodal event of my grandfather's death. Brothers distanced themselves and ritualistic gatherings became sided. Late night conversations turned to frustration, anger, regret, sadness. Years went by. Then conversations reemerged, sometimes between cousins, sometimes reaching carefully, painfully, between brothers. I don't know the details and I'm not great with dates but somewhere around 10 years after my grandfather's death, we all gathered at one uncle's house by invitation. He insisted on hosting a party - swimming pool, games, drinks, amazing food. We came. The next year, we responded again to the invitation. I believe it has been six years or more since that first invitation and we gather each year on Labor Day weekend. The reward of reconciliation is incredible!

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann describe 5 modes for handling conflict:

• Competing - taking quick action, making unpopular decisions, standing up for vital issues, protecting yourself (skills: arguing, using rank or position, asserting, standing your ground)
• Collaborating - Integrating solutions, learning, merging perspectives, gaining commitment, improving relationships (skills: ability to listen, understand and empathize nonthreatening confrontation, input analysis, identifying underlying concerns)
• Compromising - Resolving issues of moderate importance, reaching solutions with equal power and strong commitment, creating temporary solutions, dealing with time constraints (skills: negotiating, finding a "middle ground", making concessions, assessing value)
• Avoiding - leaving unimportant issues alone, reducing tensions, buying time, knowing your limitations, allowing others ownership, recognizing issues as symptoms (skills: withdrawing, sidestepping, sense of timing, ability to leave things unresolved)
• Accommodating - showing reasonableness, developing performance, creating goodwill, keeping "peace", maintaining perspective (skills: forgoing your desires, selflessness, obedience, ability to yield)

There are positives and negatives to all of these modes. We all have responses that are most comfortable for us, so we tend to gravitate in that direction. In the crisis of conflict each mode has the potential to help us manage or to escalate the situation. Therefore, the ability to use all 5 modes intentionally is helpful. The same goes for reconciliation.

True reconciliation is a rebuilding of the broken relationship. Resolution evolves over time and it takes skills in all these areas. Sometimes you need to avoid some of the toughest stuff while tension settles or while making progress through collaboration on less anxious issues. Reaching out with an invitation is an effort in accommodating. While receiving the invitation and attending the party might be a compromise. Competing skills help to get the issues out in the open and keep deep hurts from festering away unspoken.

This past Labor Day weekend I noticed a few things about my family that I believe have led to true reconciliation, an ongoing process:

• Gathering no matter what - there was a time when gatherings were incomplete, missing parts and reminded us of our pain . . . but we gathered still. And later, we gathered as a whole.
• Making the commitment - making it a priority - these brothers loved each other deeper than their hurt. They made it a priority in their lives to reconcile. Even during the years of distance, they were working within themselves to come back together.
• Listening - this is key to rebuilding! For the past few years we play a game at the end of the night to help us get to know each other better. Those who listen, tend to do well in this game!
• Healing from the inside out - forgiveness is what heals the inside. Conversations and compromises can heal the outside but without forgiveness, the inside festers and reconciliation is not real.

Blessed be those who struggle to rebuild!

Waiting for the Bus: A Framing Opportunity

Each morning as my 4th grade daughter gets her bags packed and her shoes on and her hair fixed just right, she always asks me, "Will you wait for the bus with me today?" Some days, I admit, I am already busy at the computer and don't want to be interrupted to stand outside waiting for the bus. Other days, I listen to her call, stop whatever I'm doing, and walk with her across the street - often with my hair still uncombed, barefoot and carrying my first cup of coffee. The neighbors just laugh at me. Some days I'll ask, "Can we just wait here on the front porch, I'm a mess and I don't feel like walking down the street to meet all the other bus stop moms." She doesn't mind. So we sit on the front steps of our house listening for the rumble of the bus so that she can run to the corner when we hear it coming.

My favorite time of the day is early in the morning, before the kids are awake. The hardest time of the day for me is when my morning solitude is broken! Now that the kids are older, I can usually savor my time for a while after they are up, shouting time reminders from my chair and suggestions for where books, hair clips and breakfast can be found. But when I'm asked to wait for the bus, that is a physical interruption . . . I must close the door on my time and refocus on her needs.

I realize the way I respond to this question could impact her whole day. It is a framing opportunity - an opportunity to set the emotional and mental stage for her day. As we walk to the corner, I remind her of an accomplishment from the day before. I bring up topics that she enjoys and that build her up. My goal is to help her begin the day feeling good about herself and emotionally secure.

What are the framing opportunities in your work or church environments - opportunities to set the stage for a meeting, a project or some one's day? Is it hard to put aside your time and refocus on someone else's needs or the needs of a whole group? What are the results when you do?

Appreciative Accountability

The word accountability conjures up ideas of judgment, elevated authority looking down at us, black robes and gavels . . . And where there is judgment, there must have been a crime. So, just hearing the word accountability makes us defensive. We assume we are being investigated. We have to track and report all our numbers and measurements to prove our case of innocence.

In some settings, accountability is more accepted, though it still raises defenses a bit. In manufacturing, for example, accountability for product quality and sales impact profit margins. Therefore, it is expected by production workers and rarely overlooked by managers. However, when you talk about accountability among human service groups, it is a different story. And, boy, try mentioning it when talking with a church board or ministry team; the bristles really perk up!

Historically, human service funding has not tied directly to evaluation measures, but this is changing. Government dollars are stretched. Foundations, United Way's, and even individual givers are eager to see the results of their gifts. In response, organizations that feed the hungry, house the homeless, care for the elderly and young children are required more and more to count numbers and show outcomes. Executive directors and local government managers are developing program evaluations and quality improvements. Six Sigma and other quality terms heard in manufacturing for years, are beginning to show up in non-profit circles. Still, tracking and analyzing data can be foreign, frustrating, and even offensive to those who have dedicated their life's work to helping people.

When services are grounded in passion for the well being of others, whether human service oriented or ministry, it feels devaluing to reduce the results to measurable counts or statistical formulas!

Let me offer an alternative view of accountability. Rather than drudging through data to prove our innocence from misuse of funds, let's consider accountability from an appreciative perspective.

There are two ways to change behavior - by reward or by punishment. When using a reward system, people receive praise and acknowledgement. The results include feelings of accomplishment and success, feeling good, higher self esteem, and increasing confidence. Punishment creates the opposite response: fear, anxiety, negative feelings about self, lower confidence, and lower self esteem.

So, if we turned accountability into appreciation, what would that look like? Reports would be used for recognizing and publicly praising accomplishments; watching for and publicizing successes; calling attention to individuals, programs or ministries that make a difference. Data tracking becomes a way to feel good about your work, your ministry, yourself . . . You can watch the scale tip . . . Show others what works well . . . Document the evidence so new ideas or strategies that work well can be repeated and more lives can be changed! Appreciative accountability assumes program strength rather than program deficit.

It is not easy to be appreciative in a world that assumes the darker side but it is well worth the effort. Be intentional. Take another look at accountability, a healing look, a healthy look. It is a new tool, a new resource that can and will make a difference for the future!

Greet one another - Romans 16:1-16

Take a quick read of Romans 16:1-16.

What does it mean to greet someone in the name of the Lord?

. . . So that you may welcome her in the Lord as is fitting for the saints, and help her in whatever she may require from you . . .

Can you imagine being introduced this way?

"Hey, I want you to meet my friend, Phoebe. She is a servant of the church. Please welcome her in the way Jesus welcomed, in a way that is special and generous, forgiving and patient, hopeful and loving. Please greet her with all the attention you would offer a famous saint, like Mother Teresa, or a dear beloved friend. Give her all that she needs and provide for her every thing she wishes from you."

Paul goes on to list many others, asking, greet these as well. He seems to have gotten carried away . . . "Oh, and I want you to greet this person too, and this one because he has done wonderful things in the name of the Lord, and she has worked so hard, and he is one of our family, and she . . . please greet them all! They are amazing wonderful people!" Can't you just hear his excitement as he recites the names of those he wants to acknowledge. His excitement is contagious, as is his appreciation.

How special those named must feel! It is so important to recognize how valuable people are in our lives and to acknowledge them among others -our co-workers, staff members, children, spouses and neighbors. Let us find ways to praise their hard work and to tell others how significant they are to us.

Today's challenge . . . to greet those we meet as the Lord would greet - offering help in whatever others require of us (including those who work along side us each day and those who come to us as strangers).

Challenge # 2 . . . find a way to appreciate those around us, bring attention to that appreciation, and with an excitement that is contagious, encourage others to offer a hospitality worthy of the saints.

Growing Journey III

Through my involvement in these two groups of women (see previous posts), a revelation began - that being different, even in our theology, our understanding of God and our interpretation of scripture, even when the differences seem in direct competition . . . does not have to separate us from being in community and may actually facilitate our growing in maturity and in relationship with God and each other.

However, when folks believe differently, particularly around issues that are so ingrained in our identity as our understanding of God, it often causes tension in the community . . . conflict or avoidance. It can be difficult to shake the notion that a disagreement in core belief is the same as a personal attack.

I've since done a lot of research and study about conflict and our interactions with one another when we feel threatened. Here are a few learnings that I believe help us to to move from defensiveness to hospitality and remain genuine:

1. Recognize where we're coming from and be willing to look critically at our self and our own beliefs.
   My preceptor in Old Testament at Duke used to say - "when there is a piece of scripture that you are uncomfortable with, don't ignore it - sit with it!" By this she meant we should take as long as it takes to struggle with the scriptures that don't fit or seem to contradict our view of God (I think as long as it takes means forever!). If I truly struggle with the scriptures, I must listen to it's history and context as well as my own (What history to I bring to what I've always thought around this particular text? Why do I think this way? What do others think and why?) *This doesn't only apply to beliefs about scripture, it can be anything!


2. Recognize where the other person is coming from - this takes a lot of asking questions and listening. Roberta Gilbert in Extraordinary Leadership says we should talk only 50% of the time and listen the other 50%. A good rule of thumb!


3. Be intentional, not reactive


4. Speak with our own voice and use "I statements". For example, "I think ___ or I believe ____" rather than "You should ____." Sometimes I have to be careful not to start with "I" and end with "You" ("I think you should ____.") Speaking for yourself rather than telling others about themselves takes the judgement out of our opinions and beliefs so that others are less defensive. Most people tend to talk in "you" statements even when trying to express a personal belief.


5. Be prepared to be influenced. And, rest assured, you will also be influencing others. That's what growing together is all about.