Learning Leadership Through Rollerblading

I am learning to rollerblade at age 41! My husband and kids gave me new skates for Christmas. They were not out to get me; I actually had skates on my list. With all the hoopla around the holidays I finally had an opportunity to try them out a few days ago.

I chose a smoothly paved walking trail that seemed to be on flat ground. First my daughter, and then my husband, walked along beside me, holding my hand as I wobbled fiercely and scrambled to regain my balance. I haven’t done this since I was in high school and I was mediocre even then. I kept my head down, watching the ground pass under my wheels – looking up, I would stumble. I held tight to the arm that supported me at every shift in the road, a curve, a slight incline or decline, a bumpy spot. At first, I did not even notice as others walked past.

Gradually, I began to lift my eyes from time to time and see a little farther down the road. Slowly I recognized the rhythm and sway of my body that allowed for longer strides and a sense of stability. It became clear that I would have to let go of the arm that supported me and give in to the rhythm if I were ever to maintain balance for more than 30 seconds.

Wow . . . I did it!! Before the end of the day, I was looking forward and swaying from side to side, swinging my arms, feeling the wind in my face. My family cheered, and in fact, so did the couple across the way, walking their dog.

As I coasted to the bench and took off my skates, excited and tired, I thought– there is a leadership lesson in this experience. Here are some that come to mind.

1. I am not too old to learn new tricks (I mean skills)! Leadership is a skill, not part of your DNA. It doesn’t matter if a person is an introvert or an extravert, a thinker or a feeler . . . it is not about having a “leader personality”. The real skill of leadership is learning to listen to our inner self and act on that rather than reacting to emotional triangles, tangles and webs.
2. This would be so much harder if I didn’t have support. I might even quit or never really give it a shot. Smart leaders need strong people to surround us, support us and encourage us. A wise friend from my church once said – if you are leading a ministry all by yourself, you should re-examine what God is calling you to. God sent us out in pairs and teams, in community. We are not designed to work alone.
3. It takes courage, knowledge and trust to let go and look towards the horizon. I had to feel the sway, learn to trust the rhythm of my own body and then . . . I had to let go and live into what I knew to be right even though I thought I might fall. I knew I would never learn to skate . . . and we can never learn to lead, if we are too afraid to look ahead and trust our own rhythm. Each of us has a rhythm that is unique. We have to discover our pulse, the heartbeat of our inner self that tells us who we are – that place where God communes with us and gives us strength, energy, life, power, and direction. And then we have to let go and live into that rhythm.

The next time I go skating, I’ll take a strong support person along and I’ll know that I have to trust my rhythm and take a chance. And maybe in learning to skate again, I can strengthen my leadership skills along with my leg muscles and sense of balance.

Mary's Song - My Prayer

Oh the magnificat! The blessed Mary, a young child herself, chosen to carry the burden and the blessing of the Christ Child. She sings with joy and praise. I imagine her song to be both an expression of her joy and faith as well as a prayer, urging God to give her the strength to live into this call. It is both a commitment of faith and a prayer for faith that emerges from her continuously as the divine child grows within.

We are each called, chosen by God for an amazing and overwhelming task that requires a faith beyond our comprehension. Like Mary, we are called to be the carriers of the Christ Child - in our hearts and in our lives; in our relationships with family, friends, community; in our work and in our play; in our caring for others and in our caring for ourselves. Here is my song of praise, my prayer as I contemplate the enormity of this calling, as I live into my commitment of faith and urge God to give me the strength to live into this call. How would you make the magnificat your prayer?

Heavenly Father, Lord God Almighty, Creator of All Things, Abba – my soul glorifies you. My spirit rejoices in you my savior. The inner most parts of me, that which defines who I am, is filled with your glory even when I feel distant and discontented. You know me and you know the state of my life. Because of how deeply you know me and love me, you have chosen me. You have selected me, in this state that I am in, to represent you. You lift me high. It takes my breath away to be so near to your holiness.

Lord, you know that I feel unworthy. I am afraid and I am insecure. But you have such great mercy on me as you have shown with all the saints from past generations. I trust you. You forgive my inequities and you will me to put them aside, to open myself to your amazing gift – the gift you have given to your servant.

Mighty God, in a breath you create life . . . in a touch your power destroys. To experience your wrath is to be separated from you, scattered, without community, lonely. This destiny is sure when I am full of pride, when I separate myself from you.

But to feel your breath is to be created. To breathe in your spirit is to be filled with your love and your strength and your power. Allow me Lord; move me to be humble in your presence. Grow my hunger so that you may feed me. Take my hands and lift me to the place you have prepared for me. As you have promised, your faithfulness and mercy is limitless. You are my God and I am your child. Teach me justice, steadfast love and humility as I walk with you.

Luke 1:45-55 (NIV)
And Mary said: "My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant. From now on all generations will call me blessed, for the Mighty One has done great things for me— holy is his name. His mercy extends to those who fear him, from generation to generation. He has performed mighty deeds with his arm; he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts. He has brought down rulers from their thrones but has lifted up the humble. He has filled the hungry with good things but has sent the rich away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, remembering to be merciful to Abraham and his descendants forever, even as he said to our fathers."

Blessings to you this Christmas!

Volunteer Leadership

Churches and nonprofits are highly dependent on volunteer leadership. I'm talking about significant, time consuming jobs such as coordinating events that take months to plan, participating on governing boards and leading teams of other volunteers. We lead, coordinate and participate in everything from fund raising, marketing, and quality improvement to delivering lunches, visiting folks in the hospital, and fostering homeless pets. My son and I spent one summer scooping poop at the animal shelter - of course we got to play with the puppies too.

Why do volunteers give so much, often doing the dirtiest jobs, for no pay? Yet only about 1/3 of volunteers continue after the first year of service (Corporation for National & Community Service, Volunteering in America, 2008). How do we keep our most valuable resource engaged?

Cary Cherniss conducted a study of professional satisfaction focusing on helping professions. He found that among Teachers, Nurses, Therapists and Lawyers, job satisfaction comes from meaning, recognition, autonomy, and remuneration (Cary Cherniss, Beyond Burnout: Helping Teachers, Nurses, Therapists, and Lawyers Recover from Stress and Disillusionment, New York: Routledge, 1995).

For volunteerism, we can look at the first three:

Meaning - This is the desire to help others, to make a difference in the world, to impact a cause. This is the source of passion and the link to an inner core value more powerful than the need for monetary compensation.

Implication for Leadership - Show the impact! Continuously let your volunteers know the difference they are making, not just in your opinion, but through real results. Don't be afraid to evaluate volunteer efforts and hold programming accountable to the organizational mission and values. When people give of their precious time, they want to know if they are making a difference.

Recognition - A pat on the back goes a long way. Though proper humility makes us say, "it's no big deal," it really is a big deal to feel appreciated.

Implications for Leadership - When recognizing volunteers, do it often and be specific. Instead of, "Great job on the fund raiser dinner!" try, "I was blown away by how many folks turned out for the fund raiser dinner. You really did a fantastic job organizing the volunteers and reaching out to new people who have never attended before." Public recognition is nice but I've found that what people really respond to is a more individual, personal response such as a hand written note of thanks (no one does that anymore!) or simply remembering to mention the details of someone's work when introducing that person to others.

Autonomy - Even volunteers (maybe especially volunteers) want to be treated professionally and given space to show their own creativity in their work.

Implications for Leadership - First, set the stage and get the right people for the job. Clearly identify the work to be done, identify how the work impacts the organizational mission, make a job description, and identify the skills needed to do the job well. Particularly for leadership positions, do not hesitate to screen volunteers carefully. This will not discourage volunteerism. In fact, setting criteria and limiting your positions will create integrity within your volunteer program. When word gets out, you may find yourself with a waiting list of volunteers. Second, provide ongoing training and open communication about expectations. Third, continue to provide support and access to resources and information that can help the volunteers do their job better. Finally, keep up the communication and keep an appreciative focus. Have a regular check in to let volunteers know what you are observing, to give appreciative feedback and to encourage their feedback as well.

Volunteer leadership is no different from simply good leadership. People want to follow a good leader. One who engages the organization in making a difference; one who appreciates those who support the cause and lets them know it; one who communicates clear expectations and sets the stage for positive results, getting the right people in place to do the work and supporting their efforts.

Inter-generational Worship - Can we do it?

Let me tell you about this book I've been reading, The Church of All Ages: Generations Worshiping Together (Howard Vanderwell, editor, Alban Institute, 2008).

As Mark and I raise our children, Lane (10) and Duncan (14), we want them to be in worship with us. Now I have to admit, I've enjoyed opportunities to worship over the years without crying or pulling children and have often skipped the Great Easter Vigil because of the kids' bedtime. However, I have also been deeply transformed by my son's description of the Eucharist at age 2 - "you just put Jesus in your mouth and then he goes down inside you and fills you up." And, I continue to encounter God in conversations with my children after church when they apply the message of the sermon to what is happening in their lives or when my daughter dances to the praise music at the end of the service, or my son chooses to attend the solemn Ash Wednesday service of repentance. So, as a Congregational Consultant and as a Mom, I was impressed with this book and the authors' suggested possibilities for inter-generational worship.

"Inter-generational worship is worship in which people of every age are understood to be equally important."

When we think of diversity, the immediate association is typically related to race, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, political views, religious views, or even economic class. Vanderwell et al talk about diversity of generations -bringing together the young child and the retired businessman, and all those in between, together in worship. Although many churches have turned to special services for children and special services for youth - even whole congregations that target young people with concert like music and coffee shops in the foyer while others stick firmly to tradition - although many churches have moved in this segregated direction, a great message is missed when we divide ourselves in this way. Young children need to see their parents worship. They need that example of Godly devotion. All of us need the fresh challenge of new ideas that erupt from teenagers and young adults. We also need the groundedness and wisdom that comes from a lifetime of struggle and praise. Worship, as spiritual formation, is richer when experienced together.

The Church of All Ages provides short stories of inter-generational worship that is formative and personal and powerful. Each chapter focuses on practical guidance for moving towards a more generationally diverse worship from The Power of Telling a Story to The Power of Preaching to All Ages and a step-by-step guide to Worship Planning in a Church of All Ages.

Here are a few excerpts that spoke to me:

• "There are a hundred ways to clean a kitchen, unless you are in your mother's kitchen." We each have generational defaults that tell us that a particular way of being, worshiping, relating to others, or volunteering is most appropriate. . . Their way [those of another generation] is not wrong, but their defaults are simply set differently from our own.


• Congregations too commonly mistake strategies for purpose and hold on to particular strategies as if the practice were itself holy rather than a way one might approach the Holy.


• "As I think about the concept of inter-generational worship, I am allured by the beauty of the concept. However, bringing the concept to reality will be hard work, requiring a lot of wisdom and patience. Otherwise, it could be just another divisive matter in the church." from a personal story by Jimmy Setiawan.


• According to the metaphor [you are the body of Christ, and individually members of it, 1 Cor. 12:27], every person is essential. When one person is absent, neglected, or marginalized, the body suffers, and worship ceases to be inclusive. Worship that pays attention to all ages aims to capture and implement the reality of this metaphor of the church as the Body of Christ.


• One of the beautiful things about stories is that the best ones function across generations. The event structure of a story, like falling dominoes, attracts and holds every one's attention, even young children's, while the values housed within a protagonist's conflicting motivations provide nuance and mystery for those most experienced in life.


• We have learned that it isn't really style that captures the minds and hearts of teens; it is passion.


• First, the service must focus on God - not on fun or form, not on excitement or excellence, not even on being edified by the service, but on giving praise and glory to the triune God.

Let's not underestimate the challenge here! Bringing diverse ideas and perceptions together is always a challenge. One might wish for a template, the perfect compromise or blend of contemporary and traditional music and liturgy that other churches could replicate. But that would be missing the point all together! Moving towards richer diversity among generations is a journey that begins with a safe space and respectful conversations and continues with small steps towards inclusion.

Nurturing our Seeds: Self Care

Barbara Brown Taylor in, Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith, said, "My quest to serve God in the church had exhausted my spiritual savings. My dedication to being good had cost me a fortune in being whole. My desire to do all things well had kept me from doing the one thing within my power to do, which was to discover what it meant to be fully human."

Have you ever found that your quest to serve God, your calling in ministry, exhausts your spiritual savings? Or that your job in human service work, caring for people in crisis or in chronic need is drawing down all your energy?

Another quote from the same text: "By my rules, caring for troubled people always took precedence over enjoying delightful people, and the line of troubled people never ended."

Those of us in helping professions, whether religious in nature or not, can surely relate to the never ending line! Caring for people in need seems a more noble effort than caring for our own spiritual, emotional, and physical health. In my experience, working with people in human service fields and in ministry, the passion for serving others can be so strong that we lose a bit of ourselves in the process. Losing our sense of self is one step towards a downward spiral that renders us unable to care for ourselves or for others. Burnout! And then the only solution is to quit - quit the ministry, quit our jobs, drop our volunteer leadership roles, just get away.

Here are some things I've heard from ministers, volunteers, social workers, and others . . . some of the reasons we don't take care of ourselves and how we may gradually lose ourselves in service of others:

• I feel guilty when I do something for myself, like I'm neglecting the needs of . . .
• I feel better about myself when I'm helping someone else
• Their needs are so great or there are so many who need me
• I don't know how to say no
• It makes me feel good to be needed
• It is a blessing to be able to serve
• When I'm tired, I think of all those who don't have as much as I do and it helps me keep going
• I've said I would help, I can't go back on my word or my commitment
• If I don't do it, who will? No one else is stepping up to take over

Have you said any of these? I sure have!

When Barbara Brown Taylor said, "to discover what it meant to be fully human." I think she was talking about that core part of herself - to discover her true self, her human self, her self that God created in God's image, the unique self that each of us holds, that is the seed and the beauty of creation. This discovery is the one thing that is within our power to do.

While we can be of great service to others, we can not cure or change another's world or another's heart. We can not offer salvation for another's spirit. We can not stop the endless line of people in need. We can not respond to every hunger and every thirst. But we have each been given a gift, a seed, a true self in the image of God, fully human and fully redeemed. Through the discovery of that seed and through its nurture and its growth, wholeness is a possibility, love is a possibility, healing is a possibility.

Self discovery - Self nurture - Self share

Find the seed! Don't wait another minute to begin your journey of self discovery (or to pick up where you left off). Ponder your values. What is most meaningful to you? Try to articulate the guiding principles behind the decisions you make. Try to articulate what you believe and why - not just what the Book of Common Prayer says we believe, what your political affiliation says the party stands for, or what your spouse, friends, parents, or co-workers proclaim. What do you believe at your core?

Nurture and care for the seed! Take time for yourself. Practice saying no to others for a short time each day and saying yes to something you really enjoy. Don't combine it with doing something for someone else. This is a time for nurture and rejuvenation, not multi-tasking and not zoning out (like watching TV just to forget the day) or busying yourself with something you want done but don't especially enjoy doing (that would be housework for me). You will find in this self-care a clear expression of your values and the seed will begin to grow. Make it a priority. Seeds need water to survive. They need nourishment to grow.

Share the fruit! When your spirit is healthy, there is more of you to go around. And when your seed has a strong trunk, it will keep you grounded in who you are; you will not lose yourself as easily when the storms of others wash over you. Your strength will be of good service and your passion will spread health and healing to others.

How are you doing in this journey of discovery and nurture? What have you done for yourself lately?

Reconciliation

The work of reconciliation is hard and can not be rushed. In the midst, you don't know if you will be able to rebuild relationships or if the hard work just adds to the empty heartache without a happy ending. It is ambiguous work. It is risky work. It is painful work. It also has the potential to be the most spiritually, emotionally and relationally rewarding work of our lives.

There was a bit of a riff in my family after the nodal event of my grandfather's death. Brothers distanced themselves and ritualistic gatherings became sided. Late night conversations turned to frustration, anger, regret, sadness. Years went by. Then conversations reemerged, sometimes between cousins, sometimes reaching carefully, painfully, between brothers. I don't know the details and I'm not great with dates but somewhere around 10 years after my grandfather's death, we all gathered at one uncle's house by invitation. He insisted on hosting a party - swimming pool, games, drinks, amazing food. We came. The next year, we responded again to the invitation. I believe it has been six years or more since that first invitation and we gather each year on Labor Day weekend. The reward of reconciliation is incredible!

Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann describe 5 modes for handling conflict:

• Competing - taking quick action, making unpopular decisions, standing up for vital issues, protecting yourself (skills: arguing, using rank or position, asserting, standing your ground)
• Collaborating - Integrating solutions, learning, merging perspectives, gaining commitment, improving relationships (skills: ability to listen, understand and empathize nonthreatening confrontation, input analysis, identifying underlying concerns)
• Compromising - Resolving issues of moderate importance, reaching solutions with equal power and strong commitment, creating temporary solutions, dealing with time constraints (skills: negotiating, finding a "middle ground", making concessions, assessing value)
• Avoiding - leaving unimportant issues alone, reducing tensions, buying time, knowing your limitations, allowing others ownership, recognizing issues as symptoms (skills: withdrawing, sidestepping, sense of timing, ability to leave things unresolved)
• Accommodating - showing reasonableness, developing performance, creating goodwill, keeping "peace", maintaining perspective (skills: forgoing your desires, selflessness, obedience, ability to yield)

There are positives and negatives to all of these modes. We all have responses that are most comfortable for us, so we tend to gravitate in that direction. In the crisis of conflict each mode has the potential to help us manage or to escalate the situation. Therefore, the ability to use all 5 modes intentionally is helpful. The same goes for reconciliation.

True reconciliation is a rebuilding of the broken relationship. Resolution evolves over time and it takes skills in all these areas. Sometimes you need to avoid some of the toughest stuff while tension settles or while making progress through collaboration on less anxious issues. Reaching out with an invitation is an effort in accommodating. While receiving the invitation and attending the party might be a compromise. Competing skills help to get the issues out in the open and keep deep hurts from festering away unspoken.

This past Labor Day weekend I noticed a few things about my family that I believe have led to true reconciliation, an ongoing process:

• Gathering no matter what - there was a time when gatherings were incomplete, missing parts and reminded us of our pain . . . but we gathered still. And later, we gathered as a whole.
• Making the commitment - making it a priority - these brothers loved each other deeper than their hurt. They made it a priority in their lives to reconcile. Even during the years of distance, they were working within themselves to come back together.
• Listening - this is key to rebuilding! For the past few years we play a game at the end of the night to help us get to know each other better. Those who listen, tend to do well in this game!
• Healing from the inside out - forgiveness is what heals the inside. Conversations and compromises can heal the outside but without forgiveness, the inside festers and reconciliation is not real.

Blessed be those who struggle to rebuild!

Waiting for the Bus: A Framing Opportunity

Each morning as my 4th grade daughter gets her bags packed and her shoes on and her hair fixed just right, she always asks me, "Will you wait for the bus with me today?" Some days, I admit, I am already busy at the computer and don't want to be interrupted to stand outside waiting for the bus. Other days, I listen to her call, stop whatever I'm doing, and walk with her across the street - often with my hair still uncombed, barefoot and carrying my first cup of coffee. The neighbors just laugh at me. Some days I'll ask, "Can we just wait here on the front porch, I'm a mess and I don't feel like walking down the street to meet all the other bus stop moms." She doesn't mind. So we sit on the front steps of our house listening for the rumble of the bus so that she can run to the corner when we hear it coming.

My favorite time of the day is early in the morning, before the kids are awake. The hardest time of the day for me is when my morning solitude is broken! Now that the kids are older, I can usually savor my time for a while after they are up, shouting time reminders from my chair and suggestions for where books, hair clips and breakfast can be found. But when I'm asked to wait for the bus, that is a physical interruption . . . I must close the door on my time and refocus on her needs.

I realize the way I respond to this question could impact her whole day. It is a framing opportunity - an opportunity to set the emotional and mental stage for her day. As we walk to the corner, I remind her of an accomplishment from the day before. I bring up topics that she enjoys and that build her up. My goal is to help her begin the day feeling good about herself and emotionally secure.

What are the framing opportunities in your work or church environments - opportunities to set the stage for a meeting, a project or some one's day? Is it hard to put aside your time and refocus on someone else's needs or the needs of a whole group? What are the results when you do?